Well... It's been awhile...

It's been roughly... 2 years since I've last been on here. Revisiting this blog has been interesting to say the least... I'm disappointed quite honestly.

I used to be hopeful and ambitious... Now I'm just going through the motions, climbing the great mountain of higher education... Student loans encompassing me all the way. I was thoroughly disparaged to discover I was no special snowflake, in the slightest. I used to be like, an artist... Or so I thought. I discovered my heart wasn't in it like it should've been. I was great at what I did (Graphic Design) but it was such an empty heartless field. I felt like a processed cow... Force fed bullshit then harvested of my hollowed production. Soul purpose was producing useless, soulless garbage that would help some indifferent, blood-thirsty corporation draw in the attention of ignorant sheeple across the land. Only to sell more products to an incredibly wasteful society that already has too much of everything as it is.

No, no, no, that certainly is not my idea of a happy living. I couldn't help contribute to this consumerist fudge fest. So I reverted to my always beloved psychology with a healthy minor in art (couldn't let those 2 semesters fraught full of art classes go to waste now) that was back in '10-11... I've since been beaten down by the math Gods... Discovered tangible mediums of art I can actually put my heart into (GLASSBLOWING) Thrived in understanding the depths of psychopathology and embarked on grasping the German language. I start German III in a couple weeks, if all goes well I will be studying in Salzburg by summertime. SO I suppose I've been academically successful, you could say...

But I certainly don't feel that way... Maybe I just expected more out of myself by now. I guess that was unrealistic of me. Or maybe I'm subconsciously staging these boundaries... Setting myself up for failure to condemn myself, for... what? I don't know. I've been in such a strange state lately. I'm unhappy about many things but for very few, if any at all, reasons. Depression and I are certainly no strangers, but I don't think that's it this time.

I want more out of life and I don't know where to find it. I recently discovered the sense of fulfillment I can achieve by outsourcing my energy into somethings larger and greater than myself, like the humane society, but it's hard to find the time and energy for volunteering once this semester kicks off. Meanwhile, I'm trapped in my hometown working at a place I used to love and in fact was able to derive that sense of fulfillment from, but have since found it to be... to put politely, lackluster and disappointing. It's hard to be in something for the right reasons while those in charge, who are supposed to care, are utterly superficial and insidious with their intentions... It's really draining and it kind of hurts my soul.

On top of that, I've discovered 98% of my "friends" are life sucking leaches who are only in it for themselves. To them I was free psychological advice, nothing more. As if I could ever need someone to talk to in return you know... Whatever. I cut people like that out of my life as soon as their true intentions show. Unfortunately this leaves me with quite the mental burden. And as luck would have it, my fiance, the one person I could always count on to proactively LISTEN to me is at AIT in Fort Gordon for the Army. He's been gone since Early March and still has until late September until he can come home. This leaves me with so much stress, to do so little with...

Which is why I've returned to this here blog. I stopped writing for a long while and it took a good deal to start up again. Alas, I need this ventilation for the sanctity of my sanity. And go figure I am reunited, as I write, with that self-revelation, epiphany that used to greet me at any end of all of my works... I understand these feelings of mine now... I've counseled myself into understanding through this very article.

Writing, it's been too long you and I.